(Personal Note: This article is dedicated to my dear maniacally progressive sisters on the left coast.)
Oops! It looks like your boy, Grandpa Joe Biden, got caught with his hand in the cookie jar! Cookie jars, I should say: Ukrainian and Chinese cookie jars.
But let not your hearts be troubled – with our two-tiered justice system, Democrats need not worry about investigations, indictments, convictions, or sentences. That’s just not how we roll these days in the good ol’ U. S. of A. After all, the FBI has had Hunter’s laptop for almost a year, with evidence purporting to demonstrate that the former Vice President is compromised by payoffs from foreign governments, a situation which endangers the security of the entire United States, yet not a word of warning leaked out of the Justice Department or the FBI. Even when such warnings could impact the impeachment hearings or the upcoming elections, favorably for Trump, and unfavorably for Biden. Don’t you worry – Grandpa Joe is safe and secure.
In fact, without doubt we will soon learn that this whole business about Sleazy Joe taking money from foreign governments will be exposed as nothing more than just another Russian intelligence operation. We all know that it will shortly be revealed that those damaging emails and images found on Hunter Biden’s laptop hard drive are really just deliberate fabrications of Russian spies, delivered to that nasty Rudy Giulani by some perverted Republican fascist. It would have to be that, right? After all, only a state actor with significant resources would have the time and money to put together such a complete and comprehensive false narrative of Hunter Biden’s life, who was just minding his own business, and did not get to choose his parents. I mean, think about it – they somehow managed to even gin up a false sex video starring Hunter himself! Well, that could not have been easily done – the production effort to devise such a convincing video must have been incredible. But absolutely worth it to the Russians, who, although years of investigations have failed to prove it, are bosom buddies with Trump.
And it’s a foregone conclusion that the whole idea for the concocted Hunter Biden laptop actually originated as Trump campaign opposition research, which was then aided and abetted by Russian spies. It just has to be! This just goes to show you the depth of the evil treachery of the devious Trump forces. And this is exactly what tireless Adam Schiff has been wearing himself out trying to tell us all along!! This whole time the Trump operation in concert with nefarious Russians has been grinding out this fallacious material taking advantage of the innocent and harmless Hunter Biden, just so that they can release it right before the election! It’s the ultimate October surprise!! And don’t even try to manufacture some ridiculous moral equivalence, and tell me that Democrats would ever do anything like this. Hilary Clinton’s opposition research was actually true – it’s not her fault that the incompetent Mueller team comprised of 13 rabid Democrats was unable to substantiate any of it, even after two years of intensive investigation!!
And furthermore, the whole story simply does not hang together. I mean, really, leaving your personal laptop with astounding amounts of compromising material with a repair shop, material implicating even the Vice President of the United States, and then forgetting about it? Who does that? Certainly not someone like Hunter Biden, son of the Vice President of the United States, and board member of multiple foreign corporations. It is hard to imagine anyone more responsible and credible than a person like Hunter Biden. Ok, so he has run into a few speed bumps along the way. Yes, he did get kicked out of the Navy for drug problems, but we all know the Navy is an ultra-conservative organization which is not known for its empathy. And yes, there may have been some other alcoholism and substance abuse issues, but those are really just the distorted perceptions of an unforgiving society which has not yet become woke enough to understand the challenges faced by everyday Americans who want to experiment a little. And those rumors about marital infidelity and sex tapes and pornography – well, those are just the wild and unfounded accusations of an overly conservative, religiously biased, and discredited right wing media.
And, by the way, is it such a big deal that Hunter Biden accompanied his father the Vice President on numerous overseas trips? What is wrong with a little father-son bonding? I thought those right-wingers were all about family values! And how can they make such a big deal out of Hunter’s serendipitous arrangement of some lucrative financial transactions while in those foreign countries? He was doing nothing less than aptly displaying American entrepeurship at its best – another thing I thought those so-called conservatives were big on!!
In any case, such overblown rumors don’t amount to a hill of beans. As one newscaster on the formerly conservative Fox News channel said, this whole thing is kind of “sketchy.” It is far easier for the uninformed average U. S. lemming – excuse me – I mean voter – to believe that the Trump campaign is still enmeshed in devious Russian conspiracies than it is to question the reputation of Hunter Biden and Grandpa Joe.